Don’t Let the Fear of Being Rejected (or Failing) Keep You from Playing the Game of Love
How many times have we heard that quote? And how many times has that resonated to influence our actions?
It’s true. Our past experiences with rejection and failure can keep us from fully participating in life. It makes us afraid, so we choose to sit on the bench, playing it safe rather than risk being hurt.
While this can happen in any life situation, this frequently happens when we don’t step up in romance. I hear from clients every week about regrets and hurts from past love. Clients in their 80s are still talking about the one love they let slip away.
I believe we were all put on this planet to love and to be loved—to share our time, attention, and energy with another person. In other words, we are meant to be coupled up so we don’t walk this life alone.
We can see the difficulties in romantic relationships with one of my past clients — let’s call him Darryl (not his real name). He was handsome, intelligent, and wildly successful. But beneath that polished exterior was a man carrying deep wounds. He had suffered tremendous losses throughout his life, including loved ones, a painful divorce and several romantic failures that left scars on his heart. The wounds were unhealed and even hidden to him, impacting his personal and professional relationships for years.
He built barriers to maintain control and guard against further pain and disappointment. However, the walls he built put distance between him and those around him. In both business and in life, he rarely apologized for his bad or hurtful behavior, which he used as a weapon to put distance. He saw vulnerability as weakness, not strength.
Then Darryl met Carly (also not her real name). He found Carly different from any other woman he had met. There was an instant, rare connection to her. She could keep up with him on professional topics and calm him at the same time.
At first, this frightened Darryl, but it also intrigued him. She softened his rough, controlling edges and reminded him to feel rather than bulldoze through life. He finally found his perfect match: two imperfect people who matched perfectly.
Their relationship ebbed and flowed through the years. Whenever things began to feel too close, Darryl would get scared and say or do something hurtful to create space. Carly, who loved him deeply, usually forgave him because her heart saw the good in him. She saw the champion he could be, even if Darryl could not.
But Carly grew tired of his behavior. She had given him chance after chance. Eventually, she went her own way. That bruised his ego and he had to face the emptiness he created. Darryl was disturbed by what he had lost. He often told me, “This woman is haunting me. I think I see her everywhere I go. I read her social media accounts. I even drive by her house.”
What Darryl didn’t realize is that by not responding to the few times she tried to reach out, he was still giving an answer. His silence was rejection—the very thing he feared.
When he walked away from her, his health started to decline. With each passing day, Darryl became more miserable. It became obvious to his colleagues and family that things were different with him. They could see that he wasn’t the same confident, driven man they once knew. His spark was gone. They could also see what he couldn’t admit: he was not happy without Carly.
The truth was, Darryl missed the love and acceptance he felt when being with Carly. But to admit that meant facing his deepest fear: vulnerability. He would rather stay miserable than risk being hurt again. His embarrassment over past actions and fear of rejection were still dictating his behavior and inaction.
In our healing sessions, Darryl was able to recognize that he had been rejecting her while they were together in various ways as a safeguard for himself. I asked, “How would you feel if you found out she’s married to someone else, and you did nothing to pursue her now?”
He grew quiet. You could see the realization sink in, which opened him to making a change in his life. He asked, “What should I do?”
I said, “Start by sending her flowers; it will soften her heart and open the door for you. Pick up the phone and call her. Don’t text—call. Let her hear your voice. Apologize. Ask her to meet with you, speak from your heart. Tell her how you feel and what you want.”
I added, “It sounds like you had a very rare connection with Carly. If she loved you then, she will forgive you now. It does help if you ask for her forgiveness. Love like that doesn’t go away; it gets covered up. You need to make the first move. You don’t need a script. You only need to show up!”
It was important for Darryl’s healing to mention how being vulnerable can have good outcomes, and not just the fears he developed in his head. He needed to work through the root of why he created the behavior to protect himself. He needed to feel and identify the childhood hurt that began the protective and isolating behavior. When we healed that situation, Darryl became more open to giving and receiving love.
Safety without love is just isolation dressed up as control.
Maybe it’s time to open your heart again, to love, to life, and to the one who still lingers in your thoughts. Love is not lost; it’s simply waiting for you to walk through the door. Healing the fear of rejection is one way we say yes to love. Take a chance, say the words, make the call. Love rewards the brave. Don’t wait. Do it today!
It’s time to Savor your Dreams — you were always meant to love and be loved.
If you’ve been thinking about a past love, wondering “what if,” maybe your heart is asking to heal. Sometimes we just need a little guidance to move past fear and toward love again. I’d be honored to help you open that door.
